For the past year I’ve been keeping an online journal. It’s provided me with a safe place to voice my thoughts and feelings, especially those that I wasn’t sure friends and family might want to hear.

Here’s a post I wrote almost a year ago today. As I read it now, I can remember the outing with more smiles than tears. I’d like to attribute that to time and healing, but also realize that becoming numb to certain thoughts and memories is also a way of protecting myself from painful trips down the rabbit hole.

Although I no longer switch radio stations when Taylor Swift songs come on. So there’s that.

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The music of Taylor Swift will always be linked, in my mind, with Clara.

She was the first pop artist that Clara really took an interest in. She knew every lyric to every song Taylor sang. And when the Vancouver date for her 1989 concert was announced, Clara immediately asked if we could go. If WE could go. I remember being thrilled that she wanted to attend her first ever concert with me, her mom.

I purchased tickets for Clara, myself and her good friend Caitlin. The concert was 9 months away and I remember hoping that the girls would still be as interested when August 1st arrived. Thankfully, they were.

The evening was everything she hoped it would be. Loud, bright and energetic. The costumes were fun and flashy. The choreography spectacular and sometimes silly. Clara sang her heart out and spent the entire three hours on her feet, swaying with the crowd and waving her glow stick in time to the music. [I still have the glow stick. It doesn’t glow any more.]

I can still see the smile on her face and the sparkle in her eyes. It was a magical night and one I’m so happy I was able to share with her.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling sad and missing Clara, I hum the tune to ‘Wildest Dreams’. It reminds me that her life was full of happiness and light and that she wouldn’t want me to think of her any other way and that I will see her again. Even if it’s just in my wildest dreams…

“Say you’ll remember me. Standing in a nice dress, Staring at the sunset, babe. Red lips and rosy cheeks. Say you’ll see me again. Even if it’s just in your. Wildest dreams…”