Lately, I’ve heard from several friends and acquaintances who wanted to reach out to me on November 6th, but didn’t. Mainly because they didn’t want to add to the sadness of the day (there’s nothing they could have said that would have made me feel more sad). But also because they weren’t sure what to say to a mother on the first anniversary of her child’s passing (Hallmark doesn’t make cards for such occasions).

Here’s what I wrote in my private journal on that day. It’s also true for the 13-, 14- and (soon-to-be) 15-month anniversaries…

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It’s been a year since my 13-year old daughter Clara died.

A year of shock, tears, heartbreak and disbelief. Two steps forward, one step back.

A year of first ‘without hers’. Christmas, Mother’s Day, birthdays, holidays, graduations, back-to-schools, Thanksgivings and Hallowe’ens.

A year of old friendships lost and new friendships gained.

A year of sitting with fear and loneliness.

A year of mourning and grieving and attempting to heal.

As the first anniversary of her death approached, I naively felt that things would somehow get easier after the date had passed. That knowing we were able to get through the ‘firsts’ would make the ‘seconds’ less traumatic.

Turns out, there’s nothing magical about a year.