Monday is Family Day. A fairly new holiday in B.C. A day where schools are closed and many grownups don’t have to report for work. A holiday we never really paid attention to before Clara died. And one that we’re not quite sure what to do with after.

Last year, in a desperate attempt to keep the boys close and make something of the weekend, we dragged them out of town for a forced three days of togetherness.

Never mind that the weather was terrible, the hotel room too small for four of us, the restaurant options in town severely limited and the primary activity at the resort something that two of the four of us don’t really enjoy.

We blindly pushed forward and were stupidly surprised that no Rockwellian family moments transpired. That we felt just as sad and heavy as we had at home. Not to mention that the last time we’d visited this particular place was as an intact family of five. Everywhere we turned there were memories of Clara.

In losing Clara, we have all lost a little bit of ourselves. It’s changed the dynamics of our family in ways you can’t see when you simply look at ‘before’ and ‘after’ photos. We’re more apart from one another than we used to be. Not as easy in each other’s company. Tiptoeing around each other’s triggers, not wanting to intrude on one another’s silence. Something that a day off work and school isn’t likely to change.

I know that we’re all doing the best we can, but I can’t help wishing for things to return to the way they used to be. Before Family Day was a thing.